No secret my family and I have been going through a tough season. This season has been a bit long and for me one day I was thinking about the situation and I was like man you know what, this is tough and the future is scary. Then I automatically started to feel bad like was I now doubting God? Was my faith and trust in God gone? My mind just started to go on and on and I allowed days to go on with those thoughts and let me tell you it put a damper on me. I felt bad like how could I doubt my God that has never failed me? I'm Christian so how could I even be having those thoughts? Was I a fake? Did this mean this whole time I didn’t have his peace and was just writing about it and going on like if I was? So many things had me questioning my faith. Until I was just like okay God does this mean I have been faking this whole time? Did I doubt you all along? How could I doubt you when I know who you are? Have you ever just waited on God to give you an answer? You know I sat with those questions for days. Then one morning when I was not expecting it in my car alone God told me Jessica you know you are human. And let me tell you I cried. It was like at that point I was trying to picture that I had to be perfect like if I could not have human feelings. Yes, I knew who my God was. Yes, I did have his peace. Yes, I did believe and trust in him. So what was it. Why was I starting to fear?
The thing was in that moment I allowed myself to think as if I could not have human feelings and I let my mind and thoughts run with that and go on to other doubts, some that did not even actually exist. As humans we will fear, we will feel as if we are tired and like if life has defeated us. But God told me “don’t give up, switch your eyes on me where your trust and faith is!” And he questioned me, “Will you feed into what your weakness is or what my strengths are?” My weakness is that I am human and as a human I will have human feelings of fear. Yet I believe and trust in my God that only has strengths. He gives me peace to get through the day, love, truth, and strength. The thing was I allowed myself to take my eyes off of my Creator and forgot about the peace so quickly that I started to doubt myself. Did I doubt God? No, I knew what he is capable of but I started to think of what I was capable of instead of Him. And no I am not capable to get through this alone because I am human and it is tough and scary to go through this alone but I just had to refocus on Him. Psalms 121:2 “My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” I had to be like okay Jessica will you focus on what you can’t do or will you get your focus back on what you know God can do. And of course my focus will be on Him. Because I trust in my God and because I know although the future can be scary there is hope in my future. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
You know I can’t say that in this season I won’t feel like days are tough anymore because I know I may but my focus will be on God. When I was questioning my faith I started to think Jessica you know God’s peace. You know that’s what has gotten you this far. Stop doubting. You know I haven’t been faking it. The reality is that Christians too have tough days. Life is not easy for anyone but the thing is we do have strength in the Lord.
So it is okay to not be okay. But will you let it trample you. Will you let a tough season defeat you? Or will you allow God to take control and work in you? I know for me this season has taught my family and I so much and believe me I know there are more things we have to learn and grow in this season. I choose to allow God to teach us, strengthen our faith in Him, and to use us as He chooses during this season. What will you choose in this season of your life? It’s okay to not be okay but don’t let this season in life defeat you, allow God to use and teach you for the next season in your life.